My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.