This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
You Might Also Like
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.