Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees