“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
You Might Also Like
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires