*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.