Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
At least try to make it slightly believable
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.