Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My kitchen overserved me.
#TopTip
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”