ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.