Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?