“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
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A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win