perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
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You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.