My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Finished stitching this today 😇
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.