boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
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I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My inexpensive home security system…
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive