I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.