sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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Sombrero is better than nobrero.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.