“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Worst perfume name ever.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Jesus steals the winter solstice
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
why does this building look like a guilty dog
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.