gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.