Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
john wicks are toilet candles
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
i dont have time for this