My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.