this country is so goddamn polarized
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
eating my hot dog hamburger style
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.