I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
when dads have a rap battle
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.