I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
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DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.