Don’t touch that.
You Might Also Like
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
How to make infinite energy.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Free him
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.