Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats