5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
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Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married