i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
What about second breakfast?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Dune (2021)
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
🤣😂
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.