Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
honestly, i need both:
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on