The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
This makes total sense…
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk