“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
God, I love Scotland
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.