me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
#SaturdayBears
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday