My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.