Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
That’s incredible! 👌
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.