Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.