*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
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With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
inside you are two wolves
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”