TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
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Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”