UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”