*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
look at me when i’m typing to you
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
time machine? you mean a clock?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.