Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Growing out my freckles.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon