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❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”