Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
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I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.