I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
all that yoga finally paid off
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.