[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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-God damn it, Houston!
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*jazz hands*
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.