Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.