SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.