Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”