if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
There’s only one good girl here!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.