A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.