me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I see your IQ test came back negative
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.