My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
hackers play passwordle
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I have never related to anyone more.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?