Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Admin smashed it 😂
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit